I have done a good deal of internal soul searching over the last 4 months and I have found that I have no idea who I am.  I am starting to get an idea of who I would like to be, but I have no idea how to get there.  I suppose it is a process, like everything else, and I need to slowly move in that direction one step at a time.

Four months ago I received a huge blow to my ego, my self worth, my whole reason for being.  Someone who I thought was in this journey with me, for better or worse, decided they were done and didn’t want to continue as partners.  Apparently, they felt like this for some time but decided to keep everything to themselves instead of talking it through.  Never giving me a chance to see things from their point of view.  Never giving me a chance to explore any avenues that would allow for a compromise to work things out.  Most importantly, never allowing me to voice my feelings on the situation.

Instead, about 4 months ago, on my birthday of all days, this person decided to tell me they wanted to end our 21 year marriage and our 26 year relationship and I had no say.  On a day I was expecting to feel loved, I felt just the opposite.  Everything began to fall apart and there was nothing I could do, their mind was already made up.  After alienating my family to cater to their insecurities, I was now left with nothing and no one.  A huge hole I did not know how to fix, and the one person I would have gone to for comfort is the person who was inflicting the pain.

But, looking back now, I see this was a wonderful birthday present.  I couldn’t see it at the time, but this was a long time coming, maybe even from the beginning.  I have come to realize all the things I gave up with no reciprocity from the other side.  All the things I did not do because they didn’t want to do them. All the places I did not go because they didn’t feel like it.  All the things I did against my better judgment because they thought they were good ideas.  Most importantly, I now realize I gave up me.

Now I am determined to regain control, one day at a time.  I need to find my new purpose, my new motivation.  I know it is going to be a long road, and most likely a rocky one, but one I am looking forward to navigating to the beginning…the beginning of a new me, a happy me, a fulfilled me, a strong and powerful me.